When Touch Isn’t Available: A New Way to Play the 3-Minute Game
- Rovena Magidin
- 16 minutes ago
- 5 min read
My original post about the 3 minute game is still the most-read piece on my website. I always smile when I see how many people keep finding it, because I know how powerful it can be. Over the years, I’ve taught this game to hundreds of couples in my practice, and almost everyone has a moment of, “Oh… I didn’t know it could feel like this.”
But I have also learned from sitting with so many couples that for some people, touch just isn’t available, at least not at the beginning.
Maybe their nervous system is overwhelmed. Maybe they’re exhausted or touched-out. Maybe touch feels unfamiliar, or charged, or simply not accessible right now. And asking “How would you like to be touched?” becomes impossible.
So I created another version of the game, a gentle one, for the moments when your body says, “No, or Not today,” but your heart still wants connection.
If you haven’t read Part 1 yet, here it is:➡️ The 3 Minute Game: How to Ask For the Touch You Want
I first learned the 3 Minute Game from Dr. Betty Martin, whose work on consent, boundaries, and touch continues to influence and inspire how I work with couples.
A New Way to Play the 3-Minute Game
This version starts with a different invitation:
Instead of:“For the next 3 minutes, how would you like to be touched?”
Use:“For the next 3 minutes, how would you like to connect with me?”
Why Some People Freeze or Shut Down
Not everyone can answer the question “How would you like to be touched?” with ease. Many people freeze, shut down, or go blank because their nervous system is overwhelmed or protective. Touch can feel unfamiliar, overstimulating, or mismatched to what the body needs in that moment.
This version of the game gives you another doorway.
Common reasons:
“Touched-out”: especially parents who’ve had small hands on them all day.
Touch isn’t a primary love language: affection feels unfamiliar or stressful.
Nervous system activation: freeze, shutdown, or overwhelm when asked to decide.
Old patterns around sex: sex has been stressful for so long that any touch starts to feel loaded, even if this game is non-sexual.
Burnout and exhaustion: when you’re running on fumes, choosing how you want to be touched feels like a chore.
Low sensory tolerance: some people simply don’t enjoy physical touch when they’re overstimulated.
For all of these reasons, touch may not be the doorway to connection.But connection is still possible, and the game can work beautifully.
The Touch-Optional Structure
Nothing else about the game changes. (See the rules here)
One person asks: For the next 3 minutes, how would you like to connect with me?
One person receives.
Three minutes, then you switch.
One person can use touch if they want to — as long as their partner genuinely wants it too.
Connection Options (That Don’t Require Touch)
Here are examples couples love:
Non-touch options
Read me something: a poem, a paragraph from a favourite book, a passage you enjoy.
Tell me a story: something from your day, or a memory you love.
Make eye contact: sit facing each other and simply look at each other gently.
Sit quietly together: on the couch or floor, close but not touching.
Breathe together: synchronize your breath while sitting apart.
Hum or sing softly: one partner hums a soothing tune while the other receives.
Share appreciation: one partner spends three minutes telling the other what they value.
Guided grounding: one partner guides a short grounding or breathing practice.
Mirror exercise: you speak for a few sentences, and your partner repeats back what they heard so you feel understood. You can also do Dyads.
Listen to a song together: intentionally share an emotional moment without physical contact.
Look at photos together: choose a meaningful photo and talk about it for three minutes.
Pillow talk: lie down in bed, face each other, and share a few sweet nothings or simply look into each other’s eyes.
Low-touch options
For people who don’t want parent-touch or sexual-loaded touch:
Hold hands gently (only if it feels like adult, intentional connection).
Lean shoulders together, or sit back to back.
Partner’s hand resting on yours without rubbing or stroking.
Touch with pressure instead of light touch (deep, still, grounding contact).
Feet touching lightly while sitting apart.
For touched-out partners: Re-frame it as connection, not touch. Choose touch that feels different from parenting touch. Practise presence. Explore. Shift your mind from giving and caretaking, to connecting, taking in, recharging, to comfort, to pleasure.
The Most Important Rule: Set Your Partner Up for Success
You can’t ask your partner to “recite a poem” and expect them to magically know one.
If you’re the receiver, it’s your job to:
choose something specific: bookmark the poem, pick the song, find the photo, decide on the memory you want to hear
Then ask for it
Examples:
Not: “Tell me a story.”Instead: “Tell me one of the happiest memories you have from your childhood.”
Not: “Read something.”Instead: “Read this paragraph I saved for today.”
This removes pressure and decision fatigue. It keeps the game gentle.
Boundaries: It Has to Feel Good for Both of You
Connection never works when one person feels pressured.
Think of it like a Venn diagram:
Circle A: what the receiver wants
Circle B: what the giver feels comfortable doing
The overlap: your 3-minute connection
If eye contact feels too intense, choose side-by-side.If talking feels heavy, choose breathing. If touch feels too loaded, remove it entirely.
Nothing is wrong. You’re just finding the overlap.
You’re Allowed to Change Your Mind
It’s still your three minutes.
You can start with one thing and ask for adjustments as you go:
“Actually, can you move a little further away?”
“Can you speak slower?”
“This feels too much, can we switch to silence?”
“I thought I wanted talking, but I want breathing instead.”
The entire point is to notice, adjust, and find what creates connection, not push through something that doesn’t work.
Self-Responsibility (This Is Not Mind-Reading)
Your partner is not supposed to guess correctly. You are not supposed to endure something silently. They are not supposed to keep guessing if you are enjoying it, or need something else.
Your job is to:
notice
ask or share
adjust
guide
Their job is to:
stay present
respond
hold their own boundaries
Connection happens between you, not from one person performing perfectly.
What If You’re Not Feeling Connected?
Ask: “What’s in the way?”
Common blocks:
nervous system activation
distraction
unclear request
too much intensity
fear of “doing it wrong”
old patterns
sensory overwhelm
Each block is an invitation to shift, simplify, or pause. It's not a failure.
After Both Rounds, Reflect Together
A few questions to deepen the experience:
What felt good?
What surprised you?
Did you feel more seen or held?
What helped you settle?
What made connection easier?
Was anything too much?
What would you try next time?
Taking a minute to reflect helps the experience feel complete, helps you both understand what worked and what didn’t, and deepen the sense of being on the same team
A note on safety:
This handout is not intended for situations involving abuse, coercion, or fear. If touch or connection feels unsafe due to past or current trauma, please discuss with a therapist. The practices here are designed for couples who struggle with touch because their nervous system becomes overwhelmed or protective, not for situations of harm.
Coming Next: Part 2
In the original 3 Minute Game, there are two distinct parts: how you want to be touched, and how you want to touch your partner for your pleasure. In this touch-optional version, those roles can feel less clear, and that’s completely okay. For now, just play with what feels good, what feels accessible, and what helps you feel connected.
In Part 2, I’ll break down the difference between receiving and taking, how those roles still apply even without touch, and how to explore both in a grounded, consensual, nervous-system-friendly way.
