What’s Underneath the Criticism? Best Couples Communication Skills.

“So many fights can be avoided by courageously asking for what we need instead of being critical when we haven't gotten it.” Dr. Alexandra Solomon

I think there’s something really important in this idea, and I wish all my couples used this in their communication.

So often, criticism is what comes out when we’re disappointed, hurt, lonely, or wanting something from our partner that we’re not getting.

Instead of saying, “You never pay attention to me,” there may be something underneath it that sounds more like:

“I miss feeling connected to you. Can we spend some time together tonight?”

Instead of “You don’t care about anything I say,” perhaps:

“I really want to feel heard right now. Could you just listen for a few minutes?”

The difficult part is that asking directly for what we need can feel much more vulnerable than criticizing.

Criticism puts the focus on what our partner is doing wrong. A clear request lets them see what we’re actually longing for.

And, of course, our partners won’t always be able to give us exactly what we ask for. But having the real need on the table gives us something much more useful to work with than a criticism does.

Sometimes the shift from “What’s wrong with you?” to “Can I tell you what I need?” can change an entire conversation.