What are we fighting for? What’s Really Underneath Your Arguments?

“You never plan any dates.”

“You don’t do enough around the house.”

“How could you forget this?”

“You never listen to me.”

"You are always critisizing me."

“We never have sex anymore.”

On the surface, these sound like complaints about dates, chores, forgetfulness, listening, and sex. And sometimes, those things really do need to change.

But often, there is something much more important underneath the argument.

A need that hasn't been met. A wound that hasn't healed. A longing we haven't quite found the words to express.

Underneath, we might be saying:

Love me. See me. Hear me. Are you with me?

We want to feel safe, loved, respected, and understood. We want care and closeness, recognition and appreciation. We want to trust that our partner will be there for us when we need them. We want stability, but we also want growth, adventure, playfulness, and fun.

We are complicated human beings, and relationships bring all those needs together. Sometimes they even pull us in opposite directions.

When something important is missing, it hurts. And when we don't know how to express that hurt, we may express it as anger, criticism, withdrawal, or blame.

And so we fight.

What Are We Really Fighting For?

It can look as though we're fighting against our partner. You against me. Who is right? Who is wrong? Who needs to change?

But what if we're actually fighting for something?

For recognition. For a little more freedom. For closeness. For reassurance that we matter.

In a relationship, the same argument can mean very different things to each person.

One partner complains that the other never plans dates. The practical issue is that they want to spend more intentional time together. But underneath, the longing might be: I want to feel chosen. I want to know that you still want to pursue me, that I'm not just another responsibility on your list.

Another partner complains about being asked where they are going, when they will be home, and why they haven't called. Underneath, they may be saying: I need room to breathe. I want to feel trusted. I don't want to have to account for every decision I make.

One is longing for closeness. The other is longing for autonomy.

Neither need is inherently wrong. But if each partner expresses their need through criticism, defensiveness, or control, both can end up feeling misunderstood.

The question shifts from Who's right? to What matters so much to each of us that we're fighting about it?

Three Needs That Can Drive Our Fights

In her couples counselling course, Dr. Alexandra Solomon explores three important relational needs that can help us understand why conflict happens.

1. Autonomy: I need to have a say.

We need to feel that we have a voice in our own lives. We want to make decisions, have some independence, and feel that our opinions matter.

When this need feels threatened, conflict can become a struggle for power and control.

Who's in charge? Whose word is law? Why do I always have to do things your way?

Beneath the argument may be a longing to feel respected as an individual, rather than controlled or overruled.

2. Competence: I need to feel respected and recognized.

We want to feel capable. We want our efforts to count and our contributions to be noticed.

When this need isn't met, we may become defensive, critical, or preoccupied with who does more and who does less.

You don't appreciate anything I do. You always make me feel like I'm not good enough.

Beneath the argument may be a longing to hear: I see how hard you're trying. I appreciate what you bring to our relationship.

3. Relatedness: I need to feel connected to you.

We need care, closeness, and a sense of belonging. We want to know that we matter to our partner and that we can reach them emotionally.

When this need is threatened, it can be one of the most painful experiences in a relationship: feeling alone while being with someone.

We may protest the loss of connection through anger, repeated complaints, demands for attention, or shutting down altogether.

I can't reach you. I don't know where you are emotionally. Do I even matter to you anymore?

Beneath the anger may be loneliness, sadness, fear, or a longing to feel close again.

These needs overlap, of course. A single argument can involve all three. But identifying what is most important in a particular moment can help us understand ourselves and our partner more clearly.

How to Turn a Fight Into a Conversation

Understanding what is underneath a fight is a good starting point. But how do we actually use that understanding when we're upset with each other?

Here are three steps to practise.

Step 1: Become curious about what you're fighting for

The next time you find yourself caught in an argument, pause and ask yourself:

• What am I actually upset about?

• What does this situation mean to me?

• What am I feeling underneath my anger or frustration?

• What do I need right now?

• What might my partner be feeling or needing?

This is both self-awareness and relational awareness: understanding your own experience while staying curious about your partner's.

You don't have to get it perfectly right. The goal is to move beyond the immediate complaint and discover what matters to you.

Step 2: Take the risk of being vulnerable

It's much easier to say:

“Why do you always have to travel so much? You never remember to call me.”

It's harder to say:

“I miss you. I feel lonely when you're away, and when I don't hear from you, I start to wonder whether I'm on your mind. I'd love to feel more connected when we're apart.”

The first statement focuses on what your partner is doing wrong. The second reveals something about your inner experience and invites your partner to understand you.

Vulnerability doesn't mean abandoning your boundaries or pretending you're not angry. It means finding a way to express the feeling and need underneath the anger without making your partner the enemy.

This can be particularly difficult when you've been hurt before, or when previous attempts to express your needs haven't gone well. Opening up is a risk. And rebuilding trust requires both partners to respond to that vulnerability with care.

Step 3: Take responsibility for your needs

Your needs matter. So do your partner's.

Taking responsibility means learning to recognize what you need, communicating it clearly, and participating in finding a solution. It also means recognizing that your partner cannot always meet every need, in exactly the way you want, at exactly the moment you want it.

Ask yourself:

• What can I communicate more clearly?

• What can I do to care for myself?

• What can we change together?

• If we see things differently, how can we find a solution that respects both of us?

• Self-responsibility doesn't mean having to meet all your needs alone. We're relational beings, and some needs can only be met through connection with others.

It means taking an active role in your own wellbeing while making room for your partner to do the same.

A Practical Example: From Fighting About Chores to Feeling Like a Team

Imagine this familiar argument.

One partner says:

“I have to do everything around here. You never help unless I ask you ten times.”

The other responds:

“That's not true. I did the dishes yesterday. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.”

Within minutes, they're arguing about who did what, who remembers correctly, and who is being unreasonable.

Let's slow the conversation down.

First, identify what's underneath.

The partner who feels overwhelmed might discover: I'm exhausted. I feel alone in managing our home and family. I need to know we're a team, and that I don't have to carry everything myself.

The partner who feels criticized might discover: I feel like I'm constantly failing. I want my efforts to be recognized, and I want us to talk about responsibilities without feeling attacked.

Notice that both partners have legitimate concerns. One needs more support and shared responsibility. The other needs recognition and a less hostile way to discuss problems.

Next, try a different conversation.

The first partner might say:

“I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I'm starting to resent how much I'm carrying. I don't want to keep criticizing you. I want us to feel like a team. Can we look at how we're dividing things up?”

The second might respond:

“I didn't realize how overwhelmed you were feeling. I also feel discouraged when I hear that I never help. I want to contribute, and I need us to talk about this without dismissing what I'm already doing.”

They haven't magically solved the problem. But they've started a different conversation.

Now they can discuss something concrete: which responsibilities each person owns, what a fair division looks like, and how they'll check in about it.

They can address the practical issue without losing sight of the relationship underneath it.

That's the goal: not to stop having disagreements, but to learn how to work through them without losing each other in the process.

What If We Can't Get Past the Fight?

Knowing what you need doesn't automatically make it easy to ask for it. And even when you express yourself clearly, your partner may not understand, may become defensive, or may be struggling with their own hurt.

Sometimes couples get stuck in the same argument for years. One partner pushes for connection while the other withdraws. One criticizes because they feel alone; the other shuts down because they feel inadequate. Each person's reaction intensifies the other's pain.

Over time, the argument itself becomes a familiar pattern, and both partners lose sight of what they originally wanted from each other.

This is where couples counselling can help. Together, we can slow down these interactions, understand the needs and vulnerabilities underneath them, and practise responding to each other differently. We can also work on the concrete changes needed to make the relationship feel more balanced, connected, and satisfying.

You don't have to agree on everything to have a good relationship. You do need to learn how to understand each other, navigate differences, and work together when something matters.

The next time you find yourself in a fight, try asking a different question.

Instead of “How do I get my partner to understand that I'm right?” ask:

“What am I fighting for? What is my partner fighting for? How can we figure this out, together?

Because sometimes, beneath the fight, two people who love each other are both trying to find their way back to connection.

If you and your partner keep having the same arguments without getting anywhere, couples counselling can help you understand the pattern and find a new way forward.

I offer Couples Counselling in Calgary and online. You can book a free 30-minute consultation to explore whether working together would be a good fit.