Discernment Counselling: What to Ask Yourself When You’re Unsure Whether to Stay or Leave a Relationship

I work with a lot of couples who arrive at therapy “on the fence.”

One person is leaning toward leaving, the other wants to stay - or both are just exhausted and unsure.

This place is painful.

You’re not ready to end the relationship, but you also can’t imagine continuing the way things are.

That’s where Discernment Counselling comes in.

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What is Discernment Counselling?

Unlike traditional couples therapy - which assumes both people want to improve the relationship - discernment counselling helps you figure out whether you want to work on the relationship in the first place.

There is no pressure to fix anything yet.

The goal is clarity.

Not clarity for the next 10 years — clarity for the next step.

Discernment counselling gives you space to:

• Reflect individually

• Understand your contribution to the relationship issues

• Explore whether change is possible

• Decide whether to leave, or stay and commit to a short course of couples therapy

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You Can’t Make a Clear Decision From Exhaustion

When people are overwhelmed, they usually slide into one of two positions:

• “I just want out.”

• “I’ll try anything.”

Neither is clarity - that’s survival mode.

That’s why journaling can be so powerful.

It lets you hear your own inner wisdom instead of reacting from fear, guilt, or pressure.

Below are the journal prompts I give to clients in discernment counselling.

Use the ones that speak to you.

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✏️ Journal Prompts for Clarity

You do not need to answer every question.

Choose the ones that resonate.

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✅ 1. Clarity: Where You Are Now

• What feels most true right now - staying, leaving, or still unsure?

• When I imagine working on the relationship, what emotions arise? When I imagine ending it, what emotions arise?

• What part of me wants to stay, and what part wants to leave? What does each part need?

• What is the hardest part of being in this “in-between” place?

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✅ 2. Responsibility & Ownership (My Contribution)

• What actions or behaviours of mine contributed to where we are now?

• What did I do that may have contributed to the disconnection or conflict?

• What did I fail to do - or avoid doing - that might have supported the relationship?

• What did I avoid, delay, or fail to communicate?

• Where did I expect my partner to “just know” what I needed instead of saying it clearly?

• What can I take responsibility for (without taking responsibility for my partner’s choices)?

• If I chose one pattern in myself to shift, what would it be — and what would a healthier version look like?

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✅ 3. What Would Need to Change

• What would need to change — consistently — in the relationship and within myself for me to genuinely consider working on it?

• (What would I need from my partner, and what would I need to do differently?)

• If change happened in the way I need, what would that look like in our day-to-day interactions?

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✅ 4. Safety, Boundaries & Non-Negotiables

• How would I know I was emotionally safe enough to try again?

• What boundaries do I need as we explore this?

• What are my non-negotiables / dealbreakers?

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✅ 5. Vision & Hope

• Where do I still feel hope — even if it’s small?

• What memories or past experiences show me what is possible between us?

• If we both did the work, what would the relationship look and feel like in 6–12 months?

• How would I show up in that version of our relationship? How would my partner show up?

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✅ 6. Decision Readiness

• If I had to choose today - stay, leave, or keep discerning - what would I choose, and why?

• What stops me from making a decision right now?

• What would clarity feel like in my body? ( calm, relief, confidence, peace, groundedness)

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You Don’t Have to Decide Today

You’re gathering information.

You’re slowing the situation down.

You’re giving yourself permission to make a decision from clarity instead of crisis.

Whether you stay or leave, the goal is the same:

A clear, confident decision rooted in truth - not fear.

If you’re reading this because you’re in that in-between place, you’re not alone.

This is exactly the work I do - helping individuals and couples find clarity when they’re unsure.

👉 Learn more here:

Discernment Counselling with Rovena Magidin

Sometimes we struggle not because we don’t know what we want, but because we’re holding two truths at the same time. These are relationship dilemmas — places where both sides feel valid.

I wrote more about this in my Lise Crossroads blog post here.