What does Sex mean to You?
In Couples Counselling people often want to talk about sex and intimacy. Well, maybe they don't want to, but they know they need to, because it's been a problem, often for a very a long time. Usually for years. It caused a lot of hurt, frustration, sadness, and disappointment. People feel rejected, unwanted, hurt, misunderstood. They fight about sex, or they never talk about it. They know it could be better, they hope they can find fulfillment, pleasure, joy, connection. They hope. They just don't know how to talk about it.
This is where I can help. I can help couples have conversations about sex that bring them closer together not further apart. Conversations where no one will feel embarrassed or put on the spot. We can create a safe space to explore, where you can learn something new not just about your partner but about yourself.
How do we do this?
Let's start at the very beginning. When you say sex - what does it mean to you? What exactly are we talking about? Before trying to figure out how to solve the problem, let's make sure we truly understand it. And sometimes, the problem is that when it comes to sex, we want or need very different thing, we are influenced by very different belief systems, we have very different boundaries and expectations - and they are often unspoken. No wonder we get stuck.
So, let's start having these conversations. Find your partner, get comfortable and pick a few questions from the list. The intention - to be able to share, freely. To connect. To invite your partner into your world. Listening partner - refrain yourself from giving advice, or expressing judgements. You don't need to agree, you just need to listen. If you don't understand - ask questions. Hold loving space, be present, kind, curious.
Here are the questions to ponder and to ask your partner.
Emotional Connection:
How important is emotional connection in sexual relationships for me?
Do I feel a need for intimacy and emotional closeness during sex?
Physical Pleasure:
What physical sensations do I find pleasurable during sex? Can I ask for it? Do I know how to focus on my pleasure, how to give and receive pleasure?
How important is physical pleasure in the overall experience for me?
Communication and Consent:
How comfortable am I with communicating my desires and boundaries in a sexual relationship?
What does consent mean to me, and how do I ensure it is present in my sexual experiences?
Values and Beliefs:
How do my cultural, religious, or moral values influence my views on sex?
Are there specific beliefs or societal expectations that I feel pressured by when it comes to sex?
Gender and Identity:
How does my gender identity influence my perspective on sex?
In what ways does my understanding of my own identity contribute to my sexual preferences?
Relationship Dynamics:
What role does sex play in different types of relationships for me (e.g., casual, committed, romantic)?
How does my perspective on sex change in different relationship contexts?
Personal Boundaries:
What are my personal boundaries when it comes to sexual activities?
How do I communicate and enforce these boundaries in a relationship?
Expectations and Realities:
What expectations do I have about sex, and where do these expectations come from?
How do these expectations align with the reality of my experiences, and how might they need adjustment?
Self-Exploration:
Have I taken the time to explore my own body and understand what brings me pleasure?
How comfortable am I with my own body and sexuality?
Health and Safety:
How do I prioritize sexual health and safety in my experiences?
What steps do I take to ensure a healthy and safe sexual relationship?
I hope you found these questions thought provoking.
If you think you need more support and want to make sure you can have these conversations with your partner, I'd be happy to help. I'm a Sex Therapist and Couples Counsellor in Calgary, AB and I also work online around the world.
Please book your consultation here so I can answer your questions. I love this work, I find it incredibly powerful, and I'd love to support you, as an individual or as a couple.
